Life after survival mode.

Musings on the kingdom of God from a person addicted to panic attacks.

There is a certain level of energy you become accustomed to with a frazzled nervous system. It’s an ever present hum that beats with life and chaos; it’s a rhythm so constant for many its accepted as normal. For some, the pounding never ceases, the energy coursing through their veins wains only when they’ve lay themselves to rest, a life well lived. Here lies a person who has been pounded into the earth with the force of many generations. Absolutely frazzled. Well done, my good and faithful servant.

For a select few of us, we push pass all the signs that say it’s impossible to break and come out the other side. Once we get there the silence of peace is deafening. There’s a new calm to your life that feels, absolutely horrific. Daily routines that hold you together can trick you and make you feel trapped. It’s difficult to change the way you think, to believe that things can get better with change. For too long I lived life thinking that if I just had better thoughts, desired better things, was more disciplined I would achieve peace. But peace was never found in my frantic display, peace was found entirely when my basic needs were met and I felt financially stable.

I was way too hard on myself as I was figuring out life. I thought the problem was with me because in comparison to my peers, I was behind. Now, with hindsight, I can see that my peers had incredible support systems socially, emotionally, and financially that were completely absent from my life. All the while I thought I was relating with them, offering my empathy for their slight inconveniences while my life was held together with a literal shoe string. Over the last two decades I’ve watch from the side lines as people I assumed were experiencing life the same as me achieved milestones I never knew possible for such average people to attain. I’ve been dumbstruck with how much wealth people had and how it was never considered a privilege but rather a heavy responsibility. Poor rich people, it’s so hard choosing between who gets to live and who gets to die. The lie that wealth is not for the faint of heart and that it’s somewhat noble to accept so much responsibility, with zero experience. Barf. If only I had been more responsible, then God would have trusted me too with such wealth. This is one of many toxic beliefs within the community I was raised in that has lasting impacts on the world we experience today.

When you believe that God is the boss and everyone is paid in accordance with their faithfulness, it’s easy to believe you have nothing to offer when your are poor. Something this core belief fails to recognize is that- it’s really easy to make more money when you have a lot of money. In my personal experience those who have benefitted from generational wealth, in reality, are incredibly fragile. Do you know how much strength it takes to go to work knowing that you have zero dollars in your bank account and yet you still offer the most kind and nurturing version of yourself? We don’t find peace, we can’t nail it down or even buy it. Those who experience what they think is peace by insulating themselves into lives where their privilege is hidden and the uncomfortable truths are left unsaid- as to not disturb cocktail hour- are in reality, delusional.

Peace is found in the most mundane moments for those who know their worth is not based in anything but existence. Imagine being secure in knowing whatever you were given at birth is enough not only to navigate this life, but also warrants your basic needs being met… for eternity. Of course in our current economy, particularly in the United States, we can’t definitively say what a person is worth until we account for all their assets. Living a life of peace has nothing to do with the accumulation of anything but rather having the ability to be at peace with everything you have in the current moment. So often, those living in poverty are praised for being so happy with what little they have, as if somehow it’s almost easier for those in poverty to experience such simple joy. When in truth, wealthy people will be challenged to experience true happiness. Their life is incompatible with peace because of the amount of greed and lies they tolerate on a daily basis.

For me, it’s impossible to move forward in this world with the knowledge that until we are all free from greed and destruction, truly no one is safe. We can see by the daily newsfeed that in our current reality children, women, those living in poverty (whether we force them to, or it is their inheritance) are not allowed to experience the life that we know the most wealthy amongst us perpetuate. It’s been a painful experience to reflect on times where I benefitted from bread crumbs that were packaged at feasts and know that the wealthy life I observed was one built on the backs of oppression and exclusion. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

I remember being whimsically engaged with “kingdom conversations” of the “here, and not yet” in my youth. To dream of a world with gold paved roads, and no reason for tears. I knew the kingdom of God was futuristic, and altogether something entirely outside of what I personally experienced, but what I didn’t realize is that while many bearded “theologians” theorized about what heaven will be they completely ignored the power they had to bring the kingdom nigh, by simply dismantling the system that put preferential treatment on white men. It’s absolutely insane to live in a situation where money is available to change our world for the better, and we all just sit around hoping and wishing that we get chosen next to be in charge. It’s bizarre to dream of lives of lavish wealth that exclude literally anyone except those who are evil. As I’ve challenged giving any more money to the Oligarchs those around me respond with “well you would do the same if you were him” and I can definitively say: that is not true. I could never imagine how much delusion it takes to fall asleep in a world where I have an excess to the resources that could FIX poverty, while so many are left to die because they don’t.

The kingdom of God is here, because we have access to change the outcome for so many. We no longer have the misinformed need for oppression, we truly can live at peace with one another if we just mind our own business, stop hoarding resources and a bunch of y’all need therapy. The kingdom of God is here when you have the time to wake up with your baby and gently guide them back to sleep because your night is dictated by comfort and not the next days wages. The kingdom of God is here when you learn a new language from a friend, person to person they let you into a world of new culture, new ideas, new ways of thinking and speaking. We have all the resources we need to live in heaven right now but we have given the reigns of our chariot to absolute idiots who are filled with vitrol hate and greed. We have chosen to worship idiots who worth is based in an arbitrary system of tokens instead of discovering the beauty we have available to us, the beauty we are responsible to protect. Our tears of sorrow persist because we live in a world where we’ve made it impossible to trust our nervous system, and be open to learning and living in new ways. So yeah- it’s weird to be here right now.