Pushing all the right people away
Thoughts on making all the wrong choices, repeatedly.
One of the hardest parts about healing is realizing the dream you had may start out by embodying the sound of nails on a chalkboard. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my life, but can I confess? Sometimes having family fun time makes me want to scream.
It’s not the activities that we do, or a lack of patience (I’m basically Mother Theresa in this category) it’s the calm mundane joy of spending time with those you love that makes me, at times, want to rip off my fingernails. When we are so used to being broken the way in which our lives form after healing can sometimes feel wrong. In turn, indulging in joy can feel as though it comes at too high a cost, but that’s not true.
I don’t just think this pattern is exclusive to relationships, I’ve seen it at work as well. I love working in a fast pace environment. Please give me a job that has something new happen everyday, especially if it’s a challenge. Growing up adapting to whatever life hurled at my family composed a person who is naturally drawn to the chaos. I can see this being true for so many educators or anyone in a helping profession. But at which point do we just stop? Stop running, stop pushing, stop balancing and just be at peace. It’s not a coincidence that we associate resting at peace with death, instead of letting peace be our default.
For so many of us the default is to stick with what we know, even if it means being unknown. I wish there was some magic word, or routine that I could prescribe to heal myself of being uncomfortably mentally-well, but as time slows I’ve realized there is no quick fix to getting settled into my new life. I’m going to have to just sit here and enjoy myself and that’s super uncomfortable for now.
